I started this post a day early, because my brain had decided it wanted to do a year end wrap up before the Christmas wrap up... or probably I will bounce between the two... I know me.
A year ago, I was indeed a different person, body, mind and spirit.
And a year ago I had to go to the Vet's knowing in my heart that dear Miss Violet was telling me it was time. She was so skinny, and sick and tired. I still miss her, but I have still have Miss Shelby in all her furry goofiness to keep things steady. That was a tough way to start a new year... little did I know it would be such a year!
I had plans. God decided I needed to rethink those ideas.
January was pretty usual, Bubba worked, I was home, and at the end of the month it all hit the fan. The regular yearly mammogram morphed into a serious of tests, diagnosis, doctors and a swirls mass of the biggest mess I'd ever had to deal with.
As well documented in the now-Bubba friendly blog, we all went through the tests, the doctors, the whining and the complaining together and came out the other end. As I look back on this year, I have many thoughts, humbling, questioning, swearing and grateful thoughts. I'm not sure where to begin.
Let's start with humbling - I was indeed, truly humbled by the out pouring of love, support and offers to do what ever I needed to have done... some people you knew would say those things, others, toss me for a serious loop. Of course there were others that I quietly commented "It took cancer to get this person(s) to say something nice about me..." I am what I am. I had cards and gifts from people I barely knew or didn't know at all - they knew my parents, my group, but still these people took the time to drop a card or gift in the mail to me to say I was in their prayers. I will not live long enough to pray for all those who did for me, and I firmly believe in my heart of hearts those prayers had something to do with the relatively smooth ride I had. I did what I had to do, and I've come out the other side, cancer free, well, and living my life. No one gets that lucky, no one does six weeks of radiation therapy and has a week of minor issues when it's all said and done. Again humbled, as I question if I am truly deserving of all that I received this past year. And how in the eyes of all all mighty will I ever be a good enough person to repay all this?
Humbled. Sincerely. And a little worried because we all know that I'm not a good person -- all the time.
Questioning, oh there were times when I laid on that couch, feeling like the slug of the century I asked, why me? Then I came up with a list (also documented in another daily blog) of why God thought I needed to be reminded of my humanity. Or not to be so snarky... yes I do engage in the art of the 7 deadly sins, although I have surgically tended to gluttony, I still eat things I shouldn't, gossip, and swear at my fellow man while driving, and watching football... stupid Kansas City Chief place kicker... REALLY!! ??!!
I digress... forgive me. Stupid Refs... (sorry done--- really)
Back to my year end navel gazing...
I was blessed with a job and co-workers that basically rolled with my punches this year... when I got there and did what I could, they were satisfied with that. Who could complain?!?! I was seriously worried when I had enough firing neurons to be worried about my job... but as I sit at my job where the year end lull is occurring... I am gainfully and full time employed and I should be on my knees every morning thanking the big guy above for that! I think he hears me at 5 AM when the alarm goes off and I mutter, "oh lord is it 5 AM already!?" He knows... that is just my way of saying thank you... really. (looking up and listening carefully for the thunder...) Me and you big guy - right?! (wink, nod, ...) really.
WELCOME TO 2014!
I told you it was going to take me a few days to get this done.
It was a great New Years Eve. Spent with good food, friends and love. We went back to our favorite Cajun place, the owner came up and said Happy New Year, home again, rang in the new year with neighbors and home to bed. I have to be honest and say that I did have a hard time when the ball dropped. I was so ready to say good bye to 2013. Of course it's not like I woke up this morning and found that my hair had grown 2 inches and franken-boobie didn't look so franken... I am still me, still having to face the oncologist every three weeks, the plastic surgeon every 8 weeks, and of course reconstruction surgery sometime later this year...
What have a learned from all this? In what way am I a changed person having survived breast cancer? I honestly don't know ... well I do, in some ways I am more patient with things, I am less patient with stupidity, I have more tangible dreams, and some that are still forming. I have more worries, but am trying not to let those rule my life, and I am a bit more emotional - even though all the drugs are trying to suppress all things female about me... I did document that my foundation has not change, and frankly it hasn't. I am still me, I am now very aware of my health and how I should be taking better care of myself, and yet I am still making some of the same mistakes, plate too full, not enough down time, but I think I have tasted down time and re-tasted busy I like to find a happy medium. Of course then I look at my calendar for the next three months, down time will a a distant memory. I'll take April off - on second thought NO no, I won't. I did that a year ago... ;-)
I'll end this year end/beginning with these thoughts, 2013 started with the death of a loved one, then surrounded by more loved ones and life was celebrated. The year brought challenges, blessings and just about everything else under the sun. I am reminded daily how truly blessed I am.
Now... back to Bubba making me crazy and how in my next life I'm coming back as him...
Stay tuned for tales from New Year's Day.
Much love.
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