Yes, I know it's already a full week into the new year and I haven't bothered with the usual rantings of Christmas... I've been busy, sick and generally unmodivated... forgive me.
But now - as I'm avoiding my now overdue performance review I find some thoughts... drifting.
I'll start with yesterday, a big day as my medi-port used to deliver that chemotherapy crap is out of my person. Replaced with a bandage and some general soreness... and once again, I was in an OR, and knocked out lightly of course and I was home and eating lunch out by 12 Noon. It was a good day.
Funny story there -- had a lovely nurse named Angela, with her British accent, she was the SAME nurse I had when I had my mastectomy! I offered an apology for my previous meltdown, and I think handled this visit much better -- that and I think I was unconscious sooner...
Now let's talk that glorious family holiday known as Christmas... my first thoughts are cripes what a freaking mess...
We stupidly agreed to do Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with the in-laws that then turned into all freaking day Christmas... which then turned into a HUGE meltdown on my part Christmas morning when my father - who generally says nothing -- said something.
I felt about 1/2 inch tall. Now in the middle of said meltdown here is where my fear of losing my parents kicks into high gear... my father, the trip wire for said meltdown, hugged me, tried to make me feel better even in the middle of the complete irrational sobbing meltdown... my darling husband... yelled at me, told me this was my fault and was a general complete ass. Which is why I ignored him at church.
That was how I ended up at Christmas morning mass, no make up, blood shot eyes, glasses and I hadn't brushed my teeth... yeah, I had better never go back there again. Of course if I do it will be with contacts, make up and clean teeth so no one will regonize me. I hope.
Christmas Day for lack of a better word - sucked. The darling children we spent the day with are seriously undisciplined, I chased the little darlings out of my mother-in-law's closet twice; second time they were climbing the shelving, when I quit being THE responsible adult to these children, they stayed in that closet, broke 3 picture frames, including the glass. I guess we should be thankful that the little darlings weren't cut to ribbons. To hear my darling niece berating her children when they found the destruction I walked away -- it was on the tip of my tongue to say - - this is your fault watch your children! Their father -- oh so helpful while sitting on his ass "you better not be climbing"... yeah that's effective.
Post Christmas I found myself doing some internal soul searching and wondering if indeed a problem lies within myself. My overly emotional meltdown, I cannot tell you where that came from, other than feeling awful my parents thought they were alone, they weren't they went to my sister's house. I hate myself when I watch my sister and bother with their children, that small kernel of green that there is no one in my life that loves me with that unconditional look those girls give them... still fighting that outsider looking in pity party that I hate - with a vengeance. It also seriously pisses me off every time we deal with my in-laws and all that crap that she was blessed with 4 children and takes no interest let alone pride in bringing up responsible adults.... on the other hand I doubt my niece has a clue what the heck a responsible adult is.... saucer of milk -- table 1. Screw that -- do we have any egg nog left??
With all these swimming emotions... and internal belly button gazing... I have come up with... a whole lotta nothin' my brain is swimming in a mess of too much of what ever and I will keep myself busy and forget all this crap happened. Next year.... next year we'll find another way to screw things up.
New Year's Eve was semi-anti-climatic, out to dinner with friends and struggled to stay awake until midnight... we made it and within 45 minutes we were in bed snoring to beat the band.
New Year's Day saw me cook dinner for 8 people, all of whom are still alive, and did not -- let me repeat DID NOT get sick. I even got a good dinner honey-bunny from my darling husband. Along with the perfunctory pat on the head.... the man does not get warm and fuzzy does he?? The other up side was I didn't have a ton of left overs! I know! Bubba and I have enjoyed a few dinners of pork BBQ though...
So, here we are a new year.... what will we do with it? I know there is one more surgery on the horizon... frankly if left-boobie wasn't the dimpled mess that it is I would say screw it but after all this I just want to look 'normal' and if this surgery can get close - we're calling game. Tired of hospitals, doctors, nurses, and all things medical. I have a full calendar for girls' group and ladies group and I'm sure my darling supportive husband will be a supreme pain in the nether regions - so situation normal.
All righty -- off to go write the great work of fiction known as my yearly performance review... filled with things that state I am the greatest thing since sliced bread sitting at my desk, every day, fullfilling the needs of our governmental overlords and making bits and bytes doing all sorts of wonderful things... yadda, yadda, yadda...
Pass the 'nog - I need some inspiration.
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